Isolation In The Desert Of My Despair...

Dear readers, it's been a while since I've posted, and I apologize. The past week or so has been pretty rough on me. As some of you may already know, things ended with Morgan, as I knew they would one day. She said she didn't feel the same way anymore, and I walked away from further contact. It's wonderful when someone says they are in love with you one week, and not the next, but that, dear readers, seems to be my fate. To wander the wasteland that is alone, finding nothing but false hope along the way. I can't say that I didn't sense it when I spent my last day with her. She was texting another man throughout the day, acting kind of strangely, and her energy felt different to me. I knew I'd be left behind for someone slightly more convenient, and that her dating around was just her looking for someone better. If you wind up reading this, Lady Morgan, know that my feelings were pure, and that you meant a lot to me. I truly do hope you find happiness, and that I truly will miss you more than you could know. And I hope he isn't just another douchebag, because that seems to be the type women prefer, and it's what your ex was.



To Ben, and Cameron.

This leads me to wonder, why is it that women seem to prefer the douchebags, assholes, and otherwise horrible people that treat them like crap, and are otherwise abusive. Most women say they want a knight in shining armor, but when one shows up, they choose the douchebag over the nice guy, the one that actually cared, and would sacrifice anything to make the woman's life better? Is it because you don't like the face of the guy under the helmet? Is the douchebag, conformist sheep look that much sexier? More questions that I don't have answers to, but would love to know the reasons behind this. So many of my past relationships either went to an ex, which, by the way, was abusive in one way or another before, or they wanted to keep things open, and they go with what's behind Douchebag door number #3. I usually hear from them again, attempt friendships, and I get to hear EVERYTHING that is wrong with the guy they chose, and how much they regret what they have done.

But of course, in some ways, it's too late in their minds, or in mine. They wind up having children with these guys who aren't fit to breed, or they marry them, or they've been with them so long, that they don't think they can do better, because the abuse trashed their self-esteem. Granted, I have low self-esteem issues myself, but when things like this happen, and you're always the one left behind, how could you not?

I'm actually more of a ninja in a veil of shadow, but an honest one.

So once again I am alone, and trapped in this horrible desert. I feel as if I'm frozen in a block of ice though. Able to see, but not able to move, completely aware of the world moving on around without me. Sometimes I'm remembered, sometimes I get a visitor, and sometimes I have hope. But most of the time, I'm forgotten, alone, and only have my imprisonment to occupy my mind.

The signpost on one of my many hells.

As for the rest of the week, the cable was out, and thus the Internet for most of it, and we were flat ass broke at home, more things to be sick of, and more reasons I want to escape so badly. Much in-fighting with my family happened, and has been happening since before this. I wish I could move out on my own already, but being crippled makes that hard, as I can't find much work or just take anything and everything anymore. I could do with a desk job, but I can't find anything I can get to given transportation issues. Much of the things I should have done, or been able to do have been delayed, either do to my parents not supporting or helping me, or the other things I've had to struggle against.

I've been through a lot in this life, and I may go into details as to what one day. I've also been told I have an old soul, and that I've been here before. So I can't help but wonder what I did to deserve this punishment?

I don't seek your pity, only your understanding.
Michael