Dear readers, it's been a while since I've posted, and I apologize. The past week or so has been pretty rough on me. As some of you may already know, things ended with Morgan, as I knew they would one day. She said she didn't feel the same way anymore, and I walked away from further contact. It's wonderful when someone says they are in love with you one week, and not the next, but that, dear readers, seems to be my fate. To wander the wasteland that is alone, finding nothing but false hope along the way. I can't say that I didn't sense it when I spent my last day with her. She was texting another man throughout the day, acting kind of strangely, and her energy felt different to me. I knew I'd be left behind for someone slightly more convenient, and that her dating around was just her looking for someone better. If you wind up reading this, Lady Morgan, know that my feelings were pure, and that you meant a lot to me. I truly do hope you find happiness, and that I truly will miss you more than you could know. And I hope he isn't just another douchebag, because that seems to be the type women prefer, and it's what your ex was.
To Ben, and Cameron.
This leads me to wonder, why is it that women seem to prefer the douchebags, assholes, and otherwise horrible people that treat them like crap, and are otherwise abusive. Most women say they want a knight in shining armor, but when one shows up, they choose the douchebag over the nice guy, the one that actually cared, and would sacrifice anything to make the woman's life better? Is it because you don't like the face of the guy under the helmet? Is the douchebag, conformist sheep look that much sexier? More questions that I don't have answers to, but would love to know the reasons behind this. So many of my past relationships either went to an ex, which, by the way, was abusive in one way or another before, or they wanted to keep things open, and they go with what's behind Douchebag door number #3. I usually hear from them again, attempt friendships, and I get to hear EVERYTHING that is wrong with the guy they chose, and how much they regret what they have done.
But of course, in some ways, it's too late in their minds, or in mine. They wind up having children with these guys who aren't fit to breed, or they marry them, or they've been with them so long, that they don't think they can do better, because the abuse trashed their self-esteem. Granted, I have low self-esteem issues myself, but when things like this happen, and you're always the one left behind, how could you not?
I'm actually more of a ninja in a veil of shadow, but an honest one.
So once again I am alone, and trapped in this horrible desert. I feel as if I'm frozen in a block of ice though. Able to see, but not able to move, completely aware of the world moving on around without me. Sometimes I'm remembered, sometimes I get a visitor, and sometimes I have hope. But most of the time, I'm forgotten, alone, and only have my imprisonment to occupy my mind.
The signpost on one of my many hells.
As for the rest of the week, the cable was out, and thus the Internet for most of it, and we were flat ass broke at home, more things to be sick of, and more reasons I want to escape so badly. Much in-fighting with my family happened, and has been happening since before this. I wish I could move out on my own already, but being crippled makes that hard, as I can't find much work or just take anything and everything anymore. I could do with a desk job, but I can't find anything I can get to given transportation issues. Much of the things I should have done, or been able to do have been delayed, either do to my parents not supporting or helping me, or the other things I've had to struggle against. I've been through a lot in this life, and I may go into details as to what one day. I've also been told I have an old soul, and that I've been here before. So I can't help but wonder what I did to deserve this punishment? I don't seek your pity, only your understanding. Michael
Hello readers, today, I'd like to talk about some of my views on reality, existence, life, and the afterlife.
What is existence?
I think about this subject more and more often, and I have since I can first remember. My oldest memory is me asking myself: "Why am I me?" And "What am I here for?" This was probably between the ages of 2-4, strange thoughts for a toddler, yes. But I was never average. These questions made me feel as if I was staring into an abyss of the mind and soul, and it was staring back through me. These questions evolved as I grew, becoming: "What is existence? Does it have purpose?" And: "How do I know I really exist and I'm not just the subconscious culmination of people's thoughts, dreams and fears?"
I still mull over these from time to time, especially when I'm feeling most alone, and my mind turns in on itself. I wonder if this is all just a computer program also, and if god is just a programmer, making up his or her own little universe, or game, or just playing a more massive copy of something like The Sims?
I came up with this theory when I was getting into my Indy game design when I was 16, I was making a 2D RPG and was building up the world, writing the characters dialog, and creating cause and effect events. Through out this I thought: "What if this is exactly what god does, but with much more advanced programming and software? And if so, what is all this for, really?"
I've recently heard of others having this theory, even on the discovery channel's Through the Wormhole with the best narrator for this kind of thing, Morgan Freeman.
Ever since I was a Demi-god, beings enjoyed the sound of my commandments
This went on to even compare that with digital images in the world that we know all break down into pixels, things seem to also do so in our "reality" when you get down to things like atoms and such.
This also brought other questions at the time, such as: "Who is the main player in all this?" And "Why is the AI so bad most of the time?" Random questions, these ones only rarely come up, well, the AI one more often than not, I suppose, since there is an awful lot of idiots out there.
All of this lead to other questions, of course. Such as the one I've heard from somewhere, but can't remember where: "If one exists, and one meets another person, did the one meeting the person cause the person to exist, or did the person actually exist before the one met them?"
These are questions I still ask to this day, and I really don't have clear answers for them, but it does bring an assassin's creed quote to mind: "Nothing is true. Everything is permitted."
What is Real?
This is me, I don't look very happy because I wasn't.
I wonder about this often too, as I've been in many relationships that were long distance, some of which I was in without ever meeting in person, and yet I've been willing to commit to that on the hopes and promises that we would one day be together, and everything would be ok in the end. Some people have compared this to being in love with an idea, and not an actual person, but, what are we, if not ideas and thoughts in physical shells that do not always reflect what we actually are on the inside? If anything, does meeting someone in person for the first time tell less about them than meeting them where they can be who they are without worrying about what someone thinks of their face or body? Sure, a nice body is a bonus, but far to many people put stake in that form than what lies inside a person's mind, heart, and spirit.
It's these three things that I value much more than a physical form. Sure it's nice to be able to hold your lover in your arms, and just be, but I like to know a person, really know who they are and what they stand for, and know they are willing to accept me and my physical flaws because of who I am.
Sadly this wasn't always the case, as most of my exes had returned to the asshole exes they had before me. I guess nice guys tend to finish last, and women generally prefer assholes. Another thing I question often is why this seems to be the case. In a few other cases, they didn't want to commit, even after meeting me, and it was too hard for me to stay around after that, so I eventually walked away from them. I fear this will be a growing trend, that I'll have to either walk away or be left behind, tossed away for someone with a better shell and who is more convenient.
I went sightly off topic there for a moment, and I apologize. Getting back on track though, is a thought or an idea any less real than anything else? I've questioned this a long while as well. I've even wondered if the waking world is fake, and the dreams we have are really the "real world" so to speak. With the way technology is evolving these days, our wildest and most insane dreams and nightmares can easily become something much more than that. So I do believe an idea can be as real as anything else.
Life:
I try to live my life in a way that spreads both harmony and justice through-out the world. I don't do this for anyone in particular, but I try to lead by example. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I know I'm far from it, but I try to make things better in my own way, and I would love to leave my mark on the lives of other people before I pass from this life, no matter what waits for me on the other side. Much like Freya from Final Fantasy IX said: "To be forgotten is worse than death."
Sadly a lot of my old friends have pretty much forgotten me along the lines, especially since I moved to palmdale. The way things are here sometimes makes this place feel like a prison, and that I'm trapped and frozen in time, only able to call out to the passers by from time to time, and eventually, the world moves on, leaving me behind, only able to watch as I remain frozen among the sands of this place.
The Afterlife:
Yes, I do believe there is an afterlife, I've felt enough things, and have had many experiences that point towards there being more to this beyond death.
Personally I believe in god, and Jesus, but I don't believe in church, and I follow some Buddhist philosophies for life and such as well. I don't believe any one religion has it exactly right, because everyone wants to twist things to suit their own agendas, which is usually control over the sheep like masses.
Baaah Raaam Ewe!
Unfortunately that is the goal of most, and very few encourage people to ask questions and to think for themselves.
Anyways, back on to what I believe. I believe that if a person does good, no matter what they believed in, who they prayed to, or if they were with the same sex. They move on to the next stage, weather that is heaven or a higher plane of existence. If they did nothing but cause discord, pain, and suffering, they are punished in some way, and if they tried to do good for the most part, they are sent back, either to live the same life in an alternate universe, or a new life that takes place after the one they lived.
Of course, one who was good could choose to come back in a new form if they so wished, and I believe that everyone gets their personal heaven or punishment(hell), a reality that is their creation, which leads back to the cycle of questioning the existence of those around you.
I may expand on some of these subjects in a future post, as I did not tell everything. Let me know what you guys think, feel, and wonder about on these topics.
Hello everyone, I wanted to share a couple things with you, since I'm not really sure what to talk about at the moment. First I'd like to share with you my deviantART page http://shin-akujin.deviantart.com/ I have some old poems\songs that I have written, as well as some photography, which I need to upload more of than I have lately. Keep in mind I write these songs and poems usually when I'm sad, depressed, or something along those lines. I also have others that I have yet to put up on DA just yet, for whatever reason, I didn't feel like sharing those with the world yet.
Proto-Ebon Dawn Coat of Arms\Logo
As some of you may also know, I'm also recruiting for a guild I run on World of Warcraft http://ebondawn-ysera.guildlaunch.com/ My mains currently are Tynan and Marlenia, if any of my readers may happen to find themselves on the US Ysera server, and want to join me.
My old Xbox 360
I'm also trying to sell off some things for some extra cash, so for those of you interested in that Xbox, or anything else I might be selling, http://shop.ebay.com/shin-akujin/m.html
Yeah, kind of a lame post so far, filled with shameless promotions of things I'm trying to do, or have done before. But I'll leave you with a funny video I came across, some dating advice for everyone, brought to you by our beloved space pope!
As some of you may know, I've also been trying to win someone's heart, but I'll leave their name out of this post for their protection.
This leads me to wonder, why is it that women seem to prefer the douchebags, assholes, and otherwise horrible people that treat them like crap, and are otherwise abusive. Most women say they want a knight in shining armor, but when one shows up, they choose the douchebag over the nice guy, the one that actually cared, and would sacrifice anything to make the woman's life better? Is it because you don't like the face of the guy under the helmet? Is the douchebag, conformist sheep look that much sexier? More questions that I don't have answers to, but would love to know the reasons behind this. So many of my past relationships either went to an ex, which, by the way, was abusive in one way or another before, or they wanted to keep things open, and they go with what's behind Douchebag door number #3. I usually hear from them again, attempt friendships, and I get to hear EVERYTHING that is wrong with the guy they chose, and how much they regret what they have done. 
