Winter of Discontent (Broken Worlds, Broken Hearts)

Greetings, dear readers. I know it's been a while since I've really posted, mostly for good reasons. Some are the lack of inspiration, others are some unwanted visitors lurking in the shadows where they are not welcome. Yes, I have been quite depressed as of late, feeling alone, and isolated. The holidays only serve to magnify these feelings, my family only takes from me, and they could care less about what's really going on with me, and the few friends I have are all far away, and busy with their own lives. On top of that, my father has been laid off for a while, and has been doing absolutely nothing to remedy the situation, except ask me to help with money, and  play call of duty. I don't work because my arm is screwed up, and no one wants to hire a cripple right now, trust me, I've been trying for things I know I can get away with, but they don't want the liability, either that, or my former employer, who I'm still involved in legal battles with, is causing issues with anyone looking at me with potential.


Broken Worlds:

As some of you may know, Cataclysm as been released for the past couple weeks, which is what I've been throwing some of my free time into. I must say, I am impressed in some areas of it, and disappointed in others. The questing experience is quite enjoyable this time around, and blizzard has learned well on how to tell dynamic stories through this. The new zones are mostly stunning, and I am happy with what came of that. 


I'm still not really happy with the decisions with talent points, there isn't a lot of room for unique specing or for PvP hybrids, but this keeps some of the less knowledgeable players from being too terrible, it limits advanced players trying to be creative with it. It's something I can live with though, none the less.


PvP feels a bit more balanced now at max level than it did post patch\pre-launch, but I think they need to change up Tol Barad up a bit, even though my faction that I main on has held it pretty well, they need to make it a bit harder to defend, because if there isn't much chance for a loss or for it to change hands, it gets boring.


The new instances are more difficult, especially heroics, and I think this is a welcome change, although they kind of got lazy on heroic loot, as it is the same loot copied over, same stats and graphics, with better stats. It kind of sucks to walk around at 85 with loot from heroic deadmines looking like it belongs on a level 15...


My guild is close to being able to raid, but we have yet to do so, so I have yet to have an opinion on this as of this writing, but I may post videos of boss kills on here in the future, for those interested.

Broken Hearts:

As most of you know from my post earlier in the month, I received more of what I've come to expect out of relationships where one doesn't want to commit. Simply, I don't need more of that in my already tormented existence (If I actually exist, of course, I still might be someones cruel idea of a joke, or something the collective subconscious agrees upon, for all I know). So I had good reason to cut her out of my life. I don't need another "friend" telling me how much of a douchebag the man, or men, or whatever they picked over me is, and how wonderful I am, or was, when you are going to stay with that guy anyways. I have more than enough of those kinds of friends, I don't need anymore.

Also I don't need any more of said douchebags proving my point, and coming at me with all the rage and fury of how much they fail as humans. I'm great at reading people, so my points don't need to be proven, and I don't need the extra conflict. So please, just leave me in my own torment, I don't need you to add to it.

Anyways, I've been trying to get out there again, reactivated my profile on okcupid, with an added note that I'm looking for someone who will actually remain loyal. I haven't really tried to make contact with anyone else on there though, as most people ignore my messages because I don't look like Edward Freaking Cullen, or Jacob Black, or Johnny Depp. People are so shallow these days it sickens me.

So far, not a single bite since you know who, or that one girl who looked strangely like my sister who contacted me around the same time as the one who will not be named at this time. I've thought about spending some free time sitting around in the local Starbucks, since that's where women have been meeting men lately, especially the unloyal nameless one. Haven't been able to bring myself to it just yet, maybe on a late weekday afternoon I'll give it a shot, who knows, maybe I'll find someone who isn't so shallow, and actually is loyal. One can dream, anyway...



Michael.

100 Questions

I got this from Brittany, and decided to post it for the hell of it.


1. What is your name and age?
Michael, 24

2. What's your favorite color?
Dark Blues, and black.

3. What languages can you speak?
Sadly only English, I know a few Japanese words and a little bit of Spanish, but not enough to get by.



4. If you can live in any time period and place besides the present and where you live now, what would it be?
Feudal Japan, or in the future.

5. What's your favorite book of all time?
That is a tough one, so I'll have to go with Stephen King's Dark Tower series, it's not one book, but meh.

6. What's your favorite movie of all time?
A tough one, that changes with my mood, but I guess I'll go with The Dark Knight.

7. What's your sign?
Libra

8. If you were to get three wishes, what would they be?
To find the woman I'm supposed to be with, to have enough money to be comfortable for the rest of my life, with a few nice items thrown in, and to end reality television once and for all.



9. What's your biggest fault?
I'm more emotional than most guys.

10. What's the weirdest thing about you?
Everything?

11. What are some of your hobbies?
Gaming, Drawing on occasion, and writing.


12. What was the worst day of your life?
I have a few that would rank up there, but I'll go with the one that's caused the most problems over time. The day I tore my left shoulder.


13. Vampires or werewolves?
Vampires if they're not sparkling



14. Coffee or tea?
Tea

15. Chocolate or vanilla?
Chocolate

16. Day or night?
I was a night owl with a day job for the longest time.

17. Gold or silver?
Silver looks better on most people

18. Republican or Democrat?
Independent

19. Cake or pie?
The cake is a lie, but in pie, truth!

20. Where do you live?
Palmdale, ca

21. Do you like where you live?
I hate it with an all consuming passion


22. What places would you like to visit?
Japan, of course, as well as Italy, the UK, Ireland, and several other places that I can't think of at the moment.

23. What's your education level?
Working on getting College started

24. Do you believe in God?
Yes, but I follow my own path, and respect all other viewpoints.

25. What's your first memory?
A black cat coming inside for pasta 3 days before Christmas when I was 3, that and questioning why I am myself.


26. What's your favorite memory?
Something that I'd rather not share.


27. What's your scariest memory?
Going in for Surgery.

28. What's your favorite drink?
Pomegranate green tea

29. What's your favorite food?
Chicken parmigiana

30. If zombies were to attack and destroy the world, how long would you survive?
I'd probably go a good couple months, as long as I could get a good weapon or two. I'm used to isolation and not trusting people, and I've learned different ways to survive through some of the events in my life.


31. What's your favorite animal?
White Tiger


32. Are you a dog person or a cat person?
I like dogs, but I've grown up with cats all my life. =^_^=

33. What's your favorite restaurant?
On the Border, or Olive Garden

34. Where were you born?
Southern California


35. Where will you die?
Either as an old man doing something insane, or as a young one from a doctor screw up, in the OR.


36. Do you want kids?
Maybe one day, if I find the right person to have them with.


37. What is your favorite musician that you're ashamed to admit you like?
Coldplay


38. What's your most embarrassing moment?
Someone noticing a normal biological response to attraction....

39. What was your best subject in school?
History and English were pretty much tied.

40. What do you want to do with your life?
I want to get into game design, especially writing the stories, and fleshing out the worlds as a whole.

41. What's the grossest thing about you?
My stomach.


42. Do you believe in aliens?
Yes, see earlier posts =P


43. Do you believe in ghosts?
Yes, I've seen, and felt them in different places.


44. Do you believe in angels?
Yes, but they might not all be what everyone thinks they are.


45. What's your favorite ice cream flavor?
Winter White Chocolate.


46. What's your favorite scent?
Apple Cinnamon or french vanilla


47. What's your favorite holiday?
Arbor day! But in all seriousness I like Halloween, and I used to enjoy Christmas, but it's been a long time since.


48. Do you ever want to get married?
Maybe one day.


49. What's your favorite season?
Autumn


50. Name three things that are closest to you right now.
iPhone, Computer, And Emy-cat

51. What's the most painful moment of your life?
Something else only my close friends can know about.


52. What social class do you fall under?
Lower middle-class at best.

53. Can you ride a bike?
Unfortunately no.


54. Can you dance?
Kind of, I've been told I have decent moves for being a white guy.


55. Can you sing?
I used to, haven't sang where another person could hear me in ages though.


56. Can you play an instrument?
No, but I want to learn Guitar and Piano, maybe the Cello too.


57. What's your biggest dream?
To not be alone anymore.

58. Who's your favorite celebrity?
Kristin Kreuk


59. What's your biggest fear?
Dying alone.


60. Who's your favorite band?
Too many to name, but I've been listening to 30 Seconds to Mars a lot lately.



61. Would you rather be poor and happy or rich and unhappy?
Happy would be preferable.

62. Would you rather be deaf or blind?
Deaf would be easier to adapt to, but being without music would suck.

63. Would you rather be fat and have a pretty face or thin and ugly?
the first one.

64. Would you rather live a long, boring life or a short, exciting one?
As long as I leave behind some reason to be remembered.

65. Wine or beer?
I don't like alcohol much, but I hate the scent of beer.

66. Summer or winter?
Winter

67. What's your clothing style?
Everything in black.

68. What's your hair style?
Short on the sides and in the back, longer on top and in the front, in a not quite emo way.

69. What's your shoe style?
Vans old school

70. If you had to choose killing one random person in the world to take a million dollars, or passing both up, what would you choose?
I'd want to pick the person, a few I'd want dead without being paid for!

71. Why is the sky blue?
It reflects blue light =P

72. What's the meaning of life?
Whatever you want it to be?

73. Whales or dolphins?
Dolphins

74. Atlantic Ocean or Pacific Ocean?
I've never been to the Atlantic, so Pacific.


75. Simpsons or Family Guy?
I don't watch the simpsons that often anymore, and Family guy is loosing what made it good. Futurama is still awesome though!

76. True Blood or Twilight?
I've never seen True Blood, and I refuse to see the Twilight movies unless a cute girl drags me there, but I prefer my vampires not sparkling.

77. Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings?
Books, Harry Potter, movies, LOTR

78. New York or Los Angeles?
I've always wanted to visit NY, I've lived near LA all my life.

79. Do you watch TV?
Rarely, mostly for things on History channel, or Futurama.

80. Do you go on the Internet a lot?
I live on the Internet

81. Movies or books?
Depends on my mood, but usually books.

82. Do you drink (alcohol)?
No.

83. Do you speed?
If I had a car I might speed a little, but only when safe and sane.

84. Do you curse?
When it strikes me.

85. Have you ever been arrested?
No.

86. Have you ever gotten a ticket?
No.

87. Have you ever been in a car wreck?
No.

88. Have you ever gotten into a fist fight?
Several in elementary and middle school.

89. Have you ever broken something in anger?
Not that I know of.

90. Have you ever hurt an animal?
Only if you count accidentally stepping on a cat's tail or paw because it ran under my foot. Sorry Kitty!

91. Do you like football?
I don't really like sports.


92. The beach or the mountains?
The Beach, wish I could go more.

93. What's the stupidest thing in the world?
Women preferring Douchebags.

94. What's the best thing in the world?
Something I have yet to really experience.

95. Do you have lots of friends?
None in person, but scattered throughout the world, I have a few I'd think of as close.

96. Are you a procrastinator or a hard worker?
I work hard when I see a good purpose.

97. Are you a good student?
I was when I was going to school, only had issues with PE, and Math wasn't great, but wasn't too bad.

98. What are you proudest of?
My intellect.


99. What are you the least proud of?
That I can't spell my way out of a paper bag?

100. Last question! Describe yourself in one word.

Insane.

Isolation In The Desert Of My Despair...

Dear readers, it's been a while since I've posted, and I apologize. The past week or so has been pretty rough on me. As some of you may already know, things ended with Morgan, as I knew they would one day. She said she didn't feel the same way anymore, and I walked away from further contact. It's wonderful when someone says they are in love with you one week, and not the next, but that, dear readers, seems to be my fate. To wander the wasteland that is alone, finding nothing but false hope along the way. I can't say that I didn't sense it when I spent my last day with her. She was texting another man throughout the day, acting kind of strangely, and her energy felt different to me. I knew I'd be left behind for someone slightly more convenient, and that her dating around was just her looking for someone better. If you wind up reading this, Lady Morgan, know that my feelings were pure, and that you meant a lot to me. I truly do hope you find happiness, and that I truly will miss you more than you could know. And I hope he isn't just another douchebag, because that seems to be the type women prefer, and it's what your ex was.



To Ben, and Cameron.

This leads me to wonder, why is it that women seem to prefer the douchebags, assholes, and otherwise horrible people that treat them like crap, and are otherwise abusive. Most women say they want a knight in shining armor, but when one shows up, they choose the douchebag over the nice guy, the one that actually cared, and would sacrifice anything to make the woman's life better? Is it because you don't like the face of the guy under the helmet? Is the douchebag, conformist sheep look that much sexier? More questions that I don't have answers to, but would love to know the reasons behind this. So many of my past relationships either went to an ex, which, by the way, was abusive in one way or another before, or they wanted to keep things open, and they go with what's behind Douchebag door number #3. I usually hear from them again, attempt friendships, and I get to hear EVERYTHING that is wrong with the guy they chose, and how much they regret what they have done.

But of course, in some ways, it's too late in their minds, or in mine. They wind up having children with these guys who aren't fit to breed, or they marry them, or they've been with them so long, that they don't think they can do better, because the abuse trashed their self-esteem. Granted, I have low self-esteem issues myself, but when things like this happen, and you're always the one left behind, how could you not?

I'm actually more of a ninja in a veil of shadow, but an honest one.

So once again I am alone, and trapped in this horrible desert. I feel as if I'm frozen in a block of ice though. Able to see, but not able to move, completely aware of the world moving on around without me. Sometimes I'm remembered, sometimes I get a visitor, and sometimes I have hope. But most of the time, I'm forgotten, alone, and only have my imprisonment to occupy my mind.

The signpost on one of my many hells.

As for the rest of the week, the cable was out, and thus the Internet for most of it, and we were flat ass broke at home, more things to be sick of, and more reasons I want to escape so badly. Much in-fighting with my family happened, and has been happening since before this. I wish I could move out on my own already, but being crippled makes that hard, as I can't find much work or just take anything and everything anymore. I could do with a desk job, but I can't find anything I can get to given transportation issues. Much of the things I should have done, or been able to do have been delayed, either do to my parents not supporting or helping me, or the other things I've had to struggle against.

I've been through a lot in this life, and I may go into details as to what one day. I've also been told I have an old soul, and that I've been here before. So I can't help but wonder what I did to deserve this punishment?

I don't seek your pity, only your understanding.
Michael

Down The Rabbit Hole...

I can only offer you Truth... Nothing more...

Hello readers, today, I'd like to talk about some of my views on reality, existence, life, and the afterlife.

What is existence?

I think about this subject more and more often, and I have since I can first remember. My oldest memory is me asking myself: "Why am I me?" And "What am I here for?" This was probably between the ages of 2-4, strange thoughts for a toddler, yes. But I was never average. These questions made me feel as if I was staring into an abyss of the mind and soul, and it was staring back through me. These questions evolved as I grew, becoming: "What is existence? Does it have purpose?" And:  "How do I know I really exist and I'm not just the subconscious culmination of people's thoughts, dreams and fears?"

I still mull over these from time to time, especially when I'm feeling most alone, and my mind turns in on itself. I wonder if this is all just a computer program also, and if god is just a programmer, making up his or her own little universe, or game, or just playing a more massive copy of something like The Sims?

I came up with this theory when I was getting into my Indy game design when I was 16, I was making a 2D RPG and was building up the world, writing the characters dialog, and creating cause and effect events. Through out  this I thought: "What if this is exactly what god does, but with much more advanced programming and software? And if so, what is all this for, really?"

I've recently heard of others having this theory, even on the discovery channel's Through the Wormhole with the best narrator for this kind of thing, Morgan Freeman.

Ever since I was a Demi-god, beings enjoyed the sound of my commandments

This went on to even compare that with digital images in the world that we know all break down into pixels, things seem to also  do so in our "reality" when you get down to things like atoms and such.

This also brought other questions at the time, such as: "Who is the main player in all this?" And "Why is the AI so bad most of the time?" Random questions, these ones only rarely come up, well, the AI one more often than not, I suppose, since there is an awful lot of idiots out there.

All of this lead to other questions, of course. Such as the one I've heard from somewhere, but can't remember where: "If one exists, and one meets another person, did the one meeting the person cause the person to exist, or did the person actually exist before the one met them?"

These are questions I still ask to this day, and I really don't have clear answers for them, but it does bring an assassin's creed quote to mind: "Nothing is true. Everything is permitted."

What is Real?



This is me, I don't look very happy because I wasn't.



 I wonder about this often too, as I've been in many relationships that were long distance, some of which I was in without ever meeting in person, and yet I've been willing to commit to that on the hopes and promises that we would one day be together, and everything would be ok in the end. Some people have compared this to being in love with an idea, and not an actual person, but, what are we, if not ideas and thoughts in physical shells that do not always reflect what we actually are on the inside? If anything, does meeting someone in person for the first time tell less about them than meeting them where they can be who they are without worrying about what someone thinks of their face or body? Sure, a nice body is a bonus, but far to many people put stake in that form than what lies inside a person's mind, heart, and spirit.

It's these three things that I value much more than a physical form. Sure it's nice to be able to hold your lover in your arms, and just be, but I like to know a person, really know who they are and what they stand for, and know they are willing to accept me and my physical flaws because of who I am.

Sadly this wasn't always the case, as most of my exes had returned to the asshole exes they had before me. I guess nice guys tend to finish last, and women generally prefer assholes. Another thing I question often is why this seems to be the case. In a few other cases, they didn't want to commit, even after meeting me, and it was too hard for me to stay around after that, so I eventually walked away from them. I fear this will be a growing trend, that I'll have to either walk away or be left behind, tossed away for someone with a better shell and who is more convenient.

I went sightly off topic there for a moment, and I apologize. Getting back on track though, is a thought or an idea any less real than anything else? I've questioned this a long while as well. I've even wondered if the waking world is fake, and the dreams we have are really the "real world" so to speak. With the way technology is evolving these days, our wildest and most insane dreams and nightmares can easily become something much more than that. So I do believe an idea can be as real as anything else.

Life:

I try to live my life in a way that spreads both harmony and justice through-out the world. I don't do this for anyone in particular, but I try to lead by example. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I know I'm far from it, but I try to make things better in my own way, and I would love to leave my mark on the lives of other people before I pass from this life, no matter what waits for me on the other side. Much like Freya from Final Fantasy IX said: "To be forgotten is worse than death."

Sadly a lot of my old friends have pretty much forgotten me along the lines, especially since I moved to palmdale. The way things are here sometimes makes this place feel like a prison, and that I'm trapped and frozen in time, only able to call out to the passers by from time to time, and eventually, the world moves on, leaving me behind, only able to watch as I remain frozen among the sands of this place.

The Afterlife:

Yes, I do believe there is an afterlife, I've felt enough things, and have had many experiences that point towards there being more to this beyond death.
Personally I believe in god, and Jesus, but I don't believe in church, and I follow some Buddhist philosophies for life and such as well. I don't believe any one religion has it exactly right, because everyone wants to twist things to suit their own agendas, which is usually control over the sheep like masses.

Baaah Raaam Ewe!

Unfortunately that is the goal of most, and very few encourage people to ask questions and to think for themselves.

Anyways, back on to what I believe. I believe that if a person does good, no matter what they believed in, who they prayed to, or if they were with the same sex. They move on to the next stage, weather that is heaven or a higher plane of existence. If they did nothing but cause discord, pain, and suffering, they are punished in some way, and if they tried to do good for the most part, they are sent back, either to live the same life in an alternate universe, or a new life that takes place after the one they lived.

Of course, one who was good could choose to come back in a new form if they so wished, and I believe that everyone gets their personal heaven or punishment(hell), a reality that is their creation, which leads back to the cycle of questioning the existence of those around you.


I may expand on some of these subjects in a future post, as I did not tell everything. Let me know what you guys think, feel, and wonder about on these topics.

As always,

Michael

Some things I'd like to share.

Hello everyone, I wanted to share a couple things with you, since I'm not really sure what to talk about at the moment. First I'd like to share with you my deviantART page http://shin-akujin.deviantart.com/ I have some old poems\songs that I have written, as well as some photography, which I need to upload more of than I have lately. Keep in mind I write these songs and poems usually when I'm sad, depressed, or something along those lines. I also have others that I have yet to put up on DA just yet, for whatever reason, I didn't feel like sharing those with the world yet.

Proto-Ebon Dawn Coat of Arms\Logo

As some of you may also know, I'm also recruiting for a guild I run on World of Warcraft http://ebondawn-ysera.guildlaunch.com/ My mains currently are Tynan and Marlenia, if any of my readers may happen to find themselves on the US Ysera server, and want to join me.

My old Xbox 360

I'm also trying to sell off some things for some extra cash, so for those of you interested in that Xbox, or anything else I might be selling, http://shop.ebay.com/shin-akujin/m.html


Yeah, kind of a lame post so far, filled with shameless promotions of things I'm trying to do, or have done before. But I'll leave you with a funny video I came across, some dating advice for everyone, brought to you by our beloved space pope!


As some of you may know, I've also been trying to win someone's heart, but I'll leave their name out of this post for their protection.

Michael

This is Sirius!

Dogon Tribe of Africa

As promised, I decided to build upon my last post, and go over some of the tribes and such that believe they, or rather their ancestors originate from other planets and star systems.

The Dogon of West Africa:

The Dogon tribe, which has ties to ancient egypt, seem to have advanced knowledge of astronomy, most importantly of stars near Sirius that can't be seen with the naked eye. They believe that their existence originates from Sirius B, and have knowledge of orbit patterns that it took scientists years to chart out using infrared imaging.

Infrared Image of Sirius B

The Anunnaki:

Ancient Sumerian tablets found seem to reveal a legend about a race of beings coming from the stars, and engineering humans for slave labor, mostly for mining things such as gold, which also has a proven use in our own space fairing technology. From this some people believe that humans are a hybrid of what they were, and something that was naturally on earth.

An Earth like Planet Found:

Recently, an earth like planet was discovered within the Goldilocks zone (Just right for life) of a star much like our own Sol. It possibly has water, and it is shown to have a rocky surface, a gravitational pull strong enough to hold on to an atmosphere, and temperatures that make liquid water pooling on the surface possible. This planet is relatively close, 20 light years, but not any distance we can travel ourselves today, and unfortunately, our current technology will not allow us to test for chemical signs of life in the atmosphere yet either. Still, this shows promise that other planets can sustain life as we know it.

Anyway, that's what I currently have to say on the subject, Ancient Aliens Season 2 starts tonight on History, so if you're interested check it out.

Michael

Alien Theories

From Stargate SG-1

Hello everyone, it's been a few days, but I figured I should post again, so, I thought I'd talk a bit about some of the theories I've heard, and some of the theories I have, of alien visitation and life forms.

1. The Universe is huge.

It is rather arrogant to think that we are the only form of sentient life out there, there is way too much space, way too many stars with way too many planets that can ever be counted by anyone. So, odds are that there are planets something like earth, with something like life as we know it. Although who's to say that life elsewhere would need anything like earth at all? Most of that life we may never encounter, and thus never know about it.

2. Signs on earth.

One of the strange Nazca line markings



 Things like this here, that have been proven to be ancient, and can only be seen for what they are from above, shows evidence that either we once had much better technology than historians think we did, or that something else had carved these into the ground as a sign, signal, or road marker for a strange visitor. Either way it should be investigated in more detail.

3. Historical evidence

Vimanas at war in ancient India, VIA History Channel

There are a lot of strange things documented, of flying vehicles, odd things in the sky, different airships at war with each other, and even places that show evidence of what may have been a nuclear blast killing people as would one of our own warheads today.

There are many odd paintings that depict strange objects that look like the ones that have been reported in modern times as well.

4. Things that have happened recently

I've heard from various news sites and broadcasts that the UN is looking to appoint ambassadors for outer space affairs. So I think that this says that something is up. Stephen Hawking is urging the world to go to complete radio silence as to any signals that are accidentally, or purposely sent into space, from fear of contacting an advanced alien race that may enslave, or otherwise destroy humanity. Also the catholic church has begun their own SETI like program, and told the masses that a belief in extraterrestrials is not in conflict with a belief in God.

The Space Pope!

So, I think someone knows more than they let on.


Anyway, sorry about not posting much lately, been distracted, and unmotivated to write much as of late. But hopefully I'll have some more ideas, weird dreams, or other things to post about.

Michael